Winter Doldrums 19/20

I realize I've been horribly amiss in riding and writing. This has been the kind of winter where, although there's been many warm days, the nice days happen midweek when I'm at work. The weekends are often frosty or cold rainy. I will admit also that the seasonal depression has got the better of me and I've spent more time staring at glowing rectangles than doing stuff that usually makes me happy.

I have gotten out to ride, just usually not more than a 30 miles loop around the valley and then back before the next rain storm.

As usual when I have too much time to think, I think too much. Life goes by quicker but seems simpler when I do more doing, than thinking.

Today I lucked out on weather and took the VFR to the coast to see if it was still there. With no surprise it was still in fact there. One of my favorite highways was fairly empty and not a lot of winter debris. Regrettably one of my favorite coastal restaurants has gotten rather popular and with it the wait times. Judging by the license places in the parking lot, the Google reviews must have given away the secret.

I kept my pace low enough all day to not earn a ticket except from the most hungry of highway tax collectors, which meant more time to think. My mind wanders and I relive old arguments and past mistakes. If I'm going license remover speed there isn't enough brain left to do that. Its better to do that on the back of a motorcycle than in my office staring at a glowing rectangle. Still if I could shut off the fear, the self loathing, and the reminiscing about past mistakes I would. I've learned my lessons, can I move on please?

I had an epiphany a while back that I've been struggling to commit to words. Its one of those feelings and realizations that is hard to really convey verbally but I'll try for the sake of getting it off my chest.

When I get nostalgic about something/sometime/someone, I'm not feeling about the time/place/people/action/thing, I'm feeling about how something could have been. I'm feeling about how the world at the time seemed like so many good things could happen. Ultimately none of it happened. Loves were lost, I never got the perfect assignment, I started racing too late to be any good at it, and I ended up where I'm at. The past seems brighter some days than the future, simply because the future doesn't seem as open as it used to. There was a time when it seemed like something really good was just around the corner. Now many corners later I know what comes next, and that having the dream of the grass being greener on the other side is just an illusion that caused me to go when I should have stayed, or stayed when I should have gone.

Fortunately we're past the Winter Solstice and the countdown to the beginning of the good weather is under way. My first trackday is scheduled, my OMRRA membership is renewed, my race tires are ordered, and I have MotoAmerica at The Ridge to look forward to.